"Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very
embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew
the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for
Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But
she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I
said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was
nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a
strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister
that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to
wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has
played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves
around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my
personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him
everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next
day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is
barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog
with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that
I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for
Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex
keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another
contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the
contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to
have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I
had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me
what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case
comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I
ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked
me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has
left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should
understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
!6 @ ,(9,:; $0-,
During the past year, I have attempted to
make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of
only once every 10 days. The following is a
list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid
there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up
and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that
I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this,
shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
